Archives for posts with tag: relationships

“Dating in the gay world is like finding a job, you either have to do it on the internet or get referred” (need source).

I used to be a jerk about online dating.

“I’d never do that!”

“Looking online for a date is for sad old people.”

“I want an *authentic* connection with someone.”

ETC. ETC.
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I had a bit of a pattern of dating my friends’ lesbian/bi friends. 

And by “a pattern” I mean literally everyone I dated (aside from my first girlfriend) was a friends’ gay friend.

“OMG Krista! You’d really love [insert name here]! She’s really pretty and she’s GAY… well sort of gay, she likes girls and you like girls! So YAY DATE!”

And to be honest my criteria (up until recently) was:

Is she pretty?

Is she gay/bi/queer?

If both of those were met (or at least the gay/queer/bi part) I would date the girl.

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It would without fail lead to these horrendously drawn out relationships or pointless flings that would always inevitably  fail miserably or be super awkward or both.

And then when my last long term relationship failed (as it was inevitably going to) I decided it was time I tried something different.

I created two profiles, one with OkCupid and another with Plenty of Fish.

I would troll through the endless feeds of women and gave out my number a bunch of times and added a few of them on Facebook.

We’d text for a day or two and it would fizzle into nothing.

At one point I’d even asked two best friends out, which was really really awkward and I just decided to ignore it and stop talking to both of them.

One of the advantages of online dating is that, while yes there is someone on the other side of the screen, if it fizzles out you don’t have their best friend asking “Oh, what happened?? I thought you two would be SO great together.” There’s no awkward connection between you and your ex-situation.

After a few weeks of being on these websites I considered giving up. It was boring, time consuming and it made me feel shallow.

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I won’t pretend online dating isn’t shallow, it absolutely is.

You’re scrolling through pictures and talking to the people you find attractive.

I was scrolling and scrolling, I had deleted my OkCupid and was debating deleting POF.

And then I stumbled across this ridiculously hot girl.

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“Oooh, she’s in Early Childhood Education… that means she likes kids!”

“She likes HISTORY?! I’m a huge History nerd!”

“Her dad owns a music store? And SHE SINGS!?”

“Holy crap, she’s so pretty… why is she online?”

And that’s when I decided to message her.

Through some divine miracle in the exact second I sent my message, she messaged me.

After a few hours we exchanged numbers and we chatted each other up and then I managed to trick her into meeting me IRL.
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Because this is my blog and I want to share the story of our first date, I’m going to segway slightly off topic to talk about it.

I was heading home for Thanksgiving and I went to Collingwood. Jamilyn decided she wanted to meet up with me sooner than we initially planned so she drove all the way over to see me. 

I had told her before I met her that so long as we clicked in real life, I really wanted to make her my girlfriend (talk about pressure Batman). 

We grabbed coffee. She absolutely hated hers (because she hates coffee) and I burned the sh*t out of my tongue and tried in vain to hide it.

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I, on the other hand was a complete cigarette and coffee fiend

 

After we left the coffee shop and then we awkwardly walked around the waterfront in Collingwood. 

I was trying to find a semi secluded place to kiss all up on her beautiful face, I failed and we settled on a picnic table.

She sat down on the opposite side of the table from me, nerves combined with poor judgement led me to devise a pretty terrible plan that would lead me to sit next to her.

In this terrible plan, I decided to show her a video on my phone because she said she liked YouTube. Since I was so nervous, the only video I could think to show was True Facts About Ducks because we watched it during D Frosh training and I had told her about Frosh week.

Somehow that and showing her my drag performance gave her enough confidence to sing for me.
After she was done singing all I could say was:

“I really want to kiss you right now”.

She smiled at me and shrugged then the rest is history. (See people, consent *is* sexy).

We’ve been dating for a while now and I honestly think she is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

We’re both weirdos in the exact same way. We have similar values and want the same things in life.

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I don’t have to hide anything from her and she loves me exactly as I am, flaws and all.

She is everything I’ve ever wanted in a partner and I don’t think I would have found her if it weren’t for the internet.

I am incredibly grateful and happy I decided to rise above how judgemental I was and open myself up to a new experience.
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Just a few tips for dating online:

– Always meet up in a public place.
– If the person seems sketchy you should definitely bail.
– Tell a friend that you’re going on a date and where you’ll be. Meet up somewhere you’re familiar with.
– Have fun!
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– Don’t settle. The world is full of awesome people and you deserve happiness.
– Post cute pictures of yourself but include ones from different angles (people assume you aren’t so cute if your pictures are all from your good side).
– Check what kind of relationship they’re looking for. If you’re poly, you may want to look for other folks who are as well. I’m monogamous, so I made sure to only look for other women who felt the same way.
– Less is more. Don’t overshare, let people get to know you.
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– Don’t lie. If you get into a serious relationship and then have to admit that you actually really hate Arcade Fire, it will be uncomfortable for everyone involved.

That’s about it!
If you’re single and looking, don’t limit yourself!

You could meet some awesome friends or maybe even find your soulmate.

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🙂
Do you have any awkward or awesome online dating stories? Comment below!

I want to start off by saying that by no means am I ashamed of being a lesbian.

I am happy to be in love and living my life as I see fit.

My girlfriend (the cute girl in this picture) is in the red jacket, I'm in the blue scarf.  Isn't she gorgeous?

My girlfriend (the cute girl in this picture) is in the red jacket, I’m in the blue scarf. Isn’t she gorgeous?

I have an amazing, kind, beautiful, smart, funny and supportive girlfriend who brings me a ton of joy.

I am, however, ashamed of the deep fear I have of showing any kind of physical affection to my girlfriend when its just the two of us and when we aren’t in a queer space (by that I mean at a queer event, or a gay bar).

————

When I first came out, I had absolutely no fear about public displays of affection.

I was bold, it didn’t matter who saw me or what they said. I wasn’t worried about what would happen to me or my girlfriends; I didn’t think anything could.

However, that feeling of security began to wear out.

When I had first come out, I had isolated myself. I spent my time either in the village or on campus. I was always surrounded by queer folk or queer friendly folk and if an odd incident happened we could have each others’ backs.

I kind of forgot that the world isn’t quite as open or understanding.

Firstly, the stares drive me nuts. I hate being stared at. People will stare at you when you’re holding hands with a girl. They will stare at you if you’re sitting “too closely” on the subway. They will stare at you if you’ve got your arm around her waist.

Click on the picture for the source.

It’s uncomfortable to be watched, even if it isn’t necessarily for a negative reason.

Next is men making comments.

“Yeaaaah that’s so hot.”

“You want to come home with me/us?”

“Yeaaaah keep going” (That one particularly grossed me out and I would always stop).

“Now I have something to think about later.”

“Hey, we have blow – you should come over to our house.”

“Why are you with her? You should get with a man.”

“You want to make out with my girlfriend?”

“Can you two make out again? We’ll buy you drinks.”

It’s disgusting. It’s totally disgusting.

You know, its one thing if my guy friends are joking with me and I’m joking back BUT these are strangers and those are all things that have actually been said to me in public with my girlfriends.

Last year I was out with one of my friends; she was sexually assaulted and when I stepped between them I was assaulted.

A grown man punched me in the face. It was not a homophobic attack (there was no reason for him to expect me to be gay) but it did shatter my false reality that the world was a safe place. I didn’t really think that people could be so violent with strangers (and that sentiment is coming from a place of privilege).

It made me very aware that people will physically harm people and it can be for no reason at all.

When you pile up the stress of dealing with rude comments with the potential for violence, it makes the “radical” notion of showing affection towards my girlfriend much harder to do.

—————

I feel the need to change and to be less afraid.

I hold her hand at restaurants if we’re out with her mom, I will kiss her at house parties and I will dance with her if we’re at gay bars.

I don’t mind doing it if we have people around us who will help keep us safe.

But if we’re in public and alone, I get nervous. I look around before I kiss her (which kind of kills the romance).

Look at how cute she is? It's hard not to want to kiss her all the time.

Look at how cute she is! It’s hard not to want to kiss her all the time.

My girlfriend doesn’t push me, but I know she would like me to kiss her without worry.

She sent me this video and told me to go to 4:57.

Visibility is super important in our community.

I know it can be really difficult at times, but it helps to show the world that there are many of us and that it’s okay to be who you are. It can help younger queer people see that they are not alone.

It also helps make seeing queer couples more normal. It will help slow down the stares and the awkwardness if people become accustomed to seeing queer couples showing any kind of physical affection towards each other.

Last night we hosted a Coming Out Party at Glendon where we each shared our stories of coming out and our experiences. It was powerful and moving, we had over 20 people speak and it reinforced this need to continue to be visible and to be openly gay, even when its hard.

Be strong and be brave but don’t be stupid. Getting your head kicked in by some homophobic monster is not worth it, but if you can handle the annoyance and deal with some of the BS you will make it easier for other people.

I’m working on it.